What if I fall?
What if I stumble?
What if I am not good enough?
What if I go the wrong way?
What if they don’t like me?
What if he doesn’t pay me?
What if I can’t?

These are just some of the questions that have been racing around my jumbled mind this year.
Some of them valid.
Most of them completely bizarre!

I’m currently sat in Barcelona.
I don’t know why I am in Barcelona, but after I quit my job in France, something told me that I need to come here.
I’m not a city girl and I gave up being a tourist a long time ago.
But this feels like a leaping stone for life.
Here I am an enigma.
In a city so big, I can be anyone I like.
I can stay anonymous and blend in with the walls or go wild.
Nobody here knows me and it is unlikely that they will ever see me again.
It’s the perfect start for an untitled chapter of life.

After becoming a somewhat settled gypsy, relocating to France had a bit of a detrimental effect on my soul.
Working conditions were less than ideal and leaping straight into a frying pan bought a lot to the surface!
Being in an environment with nothing to calm my troubled soul simply destroyed it.
Souls are worth quite a lot of money and I planned to keep mine!

As a defence mechanism, I found myself developing unnatural fears.
Being afraid to fall when snowboarding.
Being afraid to make decisions.
Being afraid of driving the smooth-tyred van through the snowy bendy roads.
Being afraid of disappointing guests.
Being afraid of being broke.
Feeling broken. Feeling unloveable. Feeling numb.
Uncomfortably numb…

Simply sticking out my thumb and leaving the postcard beauty of my cushy job started my heart beating again.
Surrounding myself with people I love and admire made me start to nullify a lot of the lies I had accepted.
And being surrounded by inspirational people helped me start conquering fears.
(Especially when it came to conquering mountains on a snowboard).

2022 has just begun (even though it feels like it should be ending already).
And it’s time for me to adopt a new mindset!
What if I succeed?
What if I can?
What if I just do it?

Wait, I think I have just labelled this chapter…
I’m going to call it: NO FEAR!
And now I’m going to live that.


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