I changed my mind three times while simply making breakfast the other day. I realised that pretending to adult is hard. You have to do things. You have to be places. You actually have to get out of bed and show up.
The more I dwelled on the things bugging me about my present state of existing, the more mundane I felt.
I threw a huge party. A pity party.
It was not as exciting as I had hoped.
I thought that maybe I simply needed some goals and vision to give me drive and umph. But I had so many options and things that I wanted to do, that I became completely overwhelmed and had to lie down and nap. Only I couldn’t nap because there were too many ideas bubbling in my brain. So I tried to write them down, only the thought of writing made me even more tired and then I was back where I had started and even more frustrated. I was jealous of friends who had never travelled in their life and were simply content being where they are doing the things they are doing. I was equally jealous of friends and family who were still travelling the world and going to beautiful places and doing cool stuff. And I was jealous of all the legends surrounding me that are living their dreams, starting up their own projects and making life their bitch.
I did what made the most sense in my situation, I opened up my laptop and started playing Tetris because, in Tetris, things fit, they make sense. You simply have to deal with one block at a time and work out where to put it. It’s much easier than life. I started wishing that life was easier.
The sun set. I marvelled at it. And then I returned to Tetris. Tetris got boring. And suddenly I realised that if life were too simple, it would be flipping boring. If it all fitted perfectly together, there would be no space for surprises or sudden plot twists. If there were fewer options in life it would be freaking bland. I was suddenly grateful that I had decisions.
I still haven’t worked out what to do with all the decisions looming over me. But I have decided to make them my friends and let them hang around for a little bit so that we can get to know each other better. I also decided that I was going to get myself out of the rut I clothed myself in by doing hard things. Things that scare me. Things that I have been putting off because they are even worse than choosing between a smoothie and muesli in the mornings.
So, for the next week, I will do one hard thing every day. This is the first – actually writing a blog. My list gets a lot more challenging from here, but I need that. My medical test yesterday told me that I have a low heart rate. I need to get that thing beating again!
I invite you to join me on this journey of rut escape. You may be living your dreams already and exactly where you want to be, but if we don’t change the gears of life once in a while, we stagnate and burn out.
(If you need accountability, I’m here! If you need a kick in the ass, I am also here. Life is too short to simply just exist.)